Happy Christmas Or Whatever...

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... you celebrate, or don't celebrate, y'all have a wonderful end of December. As happens every time this year, MNPP will be closed for business for at least a few days - it's entirely possible we'll shut our yap right up until after the New Year, to be true. Everybody enjoy yourselves. Eat shit and be merry!

I Don't Have Anything To Say About This...

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... but I'll post it anyway.

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This happens. This is something that happens.

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Jane Opens Wide Inserts [Fill In The Blank]

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Remember how after saying some weird seemingly homophobic things when Hung was threatening to go a little bit gay Thomas Jane implied that when he was young and poor he did some man-on-man for boloney sandwiches or something? Yeah now he says he didn't say that. Via this interview at The Fix:

The Fix: So you were misquoted?

Thomas Jane: Yeah, definitely. In the interviews that I did, I never said I was a prostitute. I was talking about my [early] time in Hollywood: I said that I’d had a sexually adventurous time and I was trying to relate that to how I play a prostitute on TV—trying to relate my experience to my character’s experience—and well, people heard what they wanted to hear. Things fly around.

TF: You didn’t try to correct them? That’s a pretty big misconception to have out there.

TJ: I didn’t even know this was out there until people told me. I suppose “sexually adventurous youth” wasn’t as much of a headline grabber.

Okay so is he saying he just had plain gay sex then? No boloney sandwiches? I am so confused. I mean, you might as well get a sandwich out of it. I have a boloney sandwich with every orgasm. And you can quote me on that! No, please don't.

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Fassbender In Just His Space Jockeys

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Okay so I need to see this here first trailer for Prometheus on a big screen right this very second. Wowza! And I don't just mean the unexpected shot of a shirtless Michael Fassbender either.

Not that it hurts. But still, this is a whopper of a trailer, innit? Since the name Ridley Scott doesn't really excite me so much anymore I was sitting on the fence with this one - I was going to see it of course, but I was hesitant, skeptical, even with a great cast - but this at least looks, visually, super duper spectacular. What do y'all think?

Christmas' Ways Not To Die

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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

I had my yearly Rudolph viewing the other day and besides noticing yet again how pervy the thing can be, this moment when the great storm attacks Christmastown stuck out as especially cruel - in the middle of a montage we see that poor pair of Eskimos swept away into oblivion and it's played like a sight-gag! They are people! They had feelings! Look at the way they hold each other in terror!

It's awful. They are frozen little corpses buried in a snow-drift, still clinging to each other in death for that last gasp of warmth that never came, but nobody cares, nobody mourns, it's all "La la la, our petty problems!" This is no time to celebrate. Shame on all of you, citizens of Christmastown!

Merry Christmas!

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Previous Ways Not To Die: Poison Pellet Kibble Swap -- Dolly Disassembled -- Fire Escape Fall Out -- Unbuggered -- Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent'cha -- Blue Man Gooped -- Tongue Stung -- Now Wouldn't Cha, Barracuda? -- Leaving on a Rat Plane -- Panthers! -- Fashion Faux-Pwned -- "It's Just A Box." -- Blasted Pigeons -- Taunting Ahnuld -- The Too Hot Tub -- Beyond the Veil -- Sunken Prayers-- Super Crack -- Brains Blown -- Fur For The Boogens -- White Hot Bunny Rabbit Rage --Dragged To Hell -- The TV Van That Dripped Blood -- Don't Mess With Mama -- Heads Ahoy --Martyred For Sheep -- Heads Nor Tails -- He Loves Me Knot -- The Great Bouncing Brad --Miss Kitty's 8 Mishaps -- Boat Smoosh -- Meeting the French-Tipped Menace -- A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed --Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run-- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance-- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry --Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 --Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye --Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away --Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door-- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue-- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!!-- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded --Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare --Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head

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Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... tearing into that package.

This one, I mean.

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This Needs A Caption

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Who Wore It Best?

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Ho ho whorey Santa?

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poll by twiigs.com

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I swear I did this query before but a quick search thru the archive came up with nothing, so let's do it again, for the first time! It's not like anyone could protest seeing those pictures again. They get me in a holly jolly mood, for sure. Thanks to them I might have to get my holly jollies off, actually.

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The Things Colin Farrell Can Get Away With

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Any ol' nobody dude on the street I see wearing his shirt this unbuttoned is gonna get a sneer of "pull your shit together" outta me, and yet, yet, Colin Farrell does it and I just want to climb in there between his bosoms and never leave. C'est la vie.

Five Frames From ?

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What movie is this?

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5 Off My Head - Feeding The Dragon Girl

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If I don't do this right now while I have a little bit of time and I'm hopped up on caffeine I will probably never get to it, so here are five thoughts about David Fincher's The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo really really off the top of my head (that means I haven't even figured out the first one as I type this introduction. Flyin' by the seat of our drawers!)

1 - I saw the movie on Monday and I liked it a lot - I tweeted as much - but I didn't expect it to linger as much as it has. And it has. I've been considering it all week. Pieces keep popping into my head. It is too long - it probably lingers at the start with its set-up a little too glacially. But once Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara's characters finally find each other you're totally hooked lined and sunk right in. I'd seen the Swedish film (I have not read the books) so I knew the answers to the mystery but it didn't matter because the performances were working and the world Fincher plunked us into was so fine to look at.

2 - Rooney Mara was terrific in her small scenes in The Social Network, but she is and I don't use this over-used word lightly a revelation here. TO be honest I never really got all the praise heaped on Noomi Rapace's performance of the role - her choices always seemed a little obvious. Mara on the other hand makes this character so bizarre and electric - you understand quickly and totally how damaged she is and how strange it has made her. She's scary and broken but she can also be super sexy (I do not get turned on by women very often - severe understatement - but her Lisbeth got me on several occasions) and ultimately she becomes this compartmentalized crazy-person superhero... I mean if there's anything recent superhero movies have twisted themselves into ever-more-elaborate knots to get at is just this, how crazy and isolated and broken a person has got to be to want to fight crime on the behalf of strangers, and this movie gets there beautifully.

3 - It's because of her that I even dug - especially, even - the film's final act after the main mystery had been solved, which should feel extraneous in such a long movie. Just... how hot was it watching her buy her wig and super high-end clothes and prance around scamming millions for herself? I loved these scenes. Okay if you can't tell I am completely enamored with this Lisbeth. Over the moon!

4 - I want to cover myself in molten rubber and live inside the opening credits. Hot shit, good goddamn!

5 - Daniel Craig is super sexy (shocker) and does his thing and is always watchable (especially in teensy tiny black briefs, natch) but the character of Mikael Blomkvist is still pretty much just a cipher there to work us through the plot. Which Daniel Craig does well! I could watch him work me through any ol' plot there is! He and Mara's "hey let's make this a sexual relationship now" scene is a thousand times more believable here than it was in the original film, both for how well they play it (Mara again making it so super weird, like a robot having been switched to "fuck") and how hot they both are. You just really wanna watch them do it this time, and there's nothing wrong with that. I do wish he'd have tried an accent since everybody else was, and it would've maybe made Mikael feel like a different kind of "Daniel Craig character" then he's played several times before.

In conclusion, I liked the film a lot. It is too long and the mystery's not gonna blow anybody's mind, but you still can't take your eyes off the screen all the same. Fincher's back on a roll with this and The Social Network after veering into sodden nonsense with Benjamin Button. I hope he does make the sequel, since the Swedish version was nigh unwatchable (I turned it off halfway through) and think he could really make that one even more his own.

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Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

In Bruges (2008)

Harry: So he's having a really nice time?
Ken: Well, I'm having a really nice time.
I'm not sure it's really his cup of tea.
Harry: [after a long pause] What?
Ken: You know, I'm not sure it's really his thing.
Harry: What do you mean it's not really his thing?
What's that supposed to mean? It's not really his thing.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Ken: Nothing, Harry.
Harry: It's a fairytale town, isn't it?
How's a fairytale town not somebody's fucking thing?

Happy 49th, Ralph Fiennes!

Good Morning, World

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A happy 46th birthday to the furry-and-not-afraid-to-show-it Spanish actor Sergi López, who we get to see more of than most Spanish actors, it seems. (Here in the US, I mean - we get to see his movies more often here than many imports make it over. We also see more of him naked-wise, I suppose, as you'll see, but perhaps not more than any other Spanish actors because dudes be dropping their pants in Europe onscreen in the slightest of breezes without a second thought, bless them and their non-American pro-naked mores.) Anyway we especially loved to hate him in both Pan's Labyrinth and With A Friend Like Harry, but we also know him from Dirty Pretty Things and the flying baby bizarro Ricky, amongst others. Hit the jump for more pics (some very NSFW)...

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The Full Blessings of the Cibrian Backside

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(click to embiggen) Since I've been pretty good about ignoring all the gross gossip-rag stuff that's surrounded Eddie Cibrian the past couple of years - god he and whatsherface and the other whatserface are too boring to care about - I still find myself able to appreciate his best side easily. Sans baggage! Thanks goodness for that. The world's a little bit better with all that junk up in there to appreciate openly, enthusiastically, without reservation. (via)

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Five Frames From ?

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What movie is this?

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Quote of the Day

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Pitchfork has posted a list of 2011 highlights picked by an assortment of people who have names you should recognize and shit, at least if you're hipper than me - looking through them made me feel old and out of touch cuz I was all, who? What? Whippersnapper! But I did recgonize Carrie Brownstein's name, she currently of the band Wild Flag, formerly of the band Sleater Kinney, and currently of the TV show Portlandia! And reading through her list I found some of what she had to say about Miranda July's The Future delightful:

"I really don't get the argument that July's work is twee. So what if a cat narrates this film? Cats can claw your eyes out. This shit is hardcore."

If you've seen the commercial for the second season of Portlandia, which I couldn't be more excited bout - it starts January 6th! - then you know that Miranda July is actually showing up on it at some point, too. Awesome!

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Jamie Bell Six Times

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Remember when I used to be able to write words? Ah those were the days. So busy, ack! Hopefully these pictures of Jamie Bell will make up for my lack of yadda-yadda-ing. Tin Tin is out here today! Anybody planning on seeing it? Personally it'll probably have to wait for next week when I get back from my holiday travels, but out of the two Spielberg offerings this one beats the horse one by a wide margin. Horses creep me out, with their crazy black eyes. Shudder. I've never gotten the appeal of horse movies.

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poll by twiigs.com

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Good Morning, World

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It's Fassbinder actor Ulli Lommel's 77th birthday today! I loooooove (see all them o's? They're for extra love) the above scene from Fassbinder's first film Love is Colder Than Death starring Lommel and Fassbinder and Hanna Schygulla. That scene is pretty much a synecdoche - that is, a small piece representing the whole. It's all about the sexy violent weird dance between these three.

I've spoken of Lommel a few times this year since I discovered a couple of the movies he directed - there was Tenderness of the Wolves, which he made in 1973 and which starred a bunch of Fassbinder actors (and Fassbinder himself) as kiddie-snacking cannibals, and then there's the 1980 slasher flick The Boogeyman, which got some Ways Not To Die treatment and is a big bag of nutso. He rocks.

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Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Scream (1996)

Sidney: You sick fucks. You've seen one too many movies!
Billy: Now Sid, don't you blame the movies.
Movies don't create psychos.
Movies make psychos more creative!

Happy 15th anniversary, Scream!
Thanks for making me a lil' more psychotically creative.
Or creatively psychotic. One of those.

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