I always knew, in my black heart of hearts, that the whole "Patty Clarkson will play Mrs. Voorhees" rumor would likely never come to pass. I mean, sure, Patty's shown herself to be perfectly willing to dive into low-budget horror in the past - she did Larry Fessenden's Wendigo and Lucky McKee's The Woods, after all - so perhaps if the stars aligned it could've maybe happened, but I think at this point we can agree it's not to be.
Especially now with word from ShockTilYouDrop that the latest Friday the 13th - to be directed by TCM-remake-auteur Marcus Nispel - is not really a remake after all. Sayeth STYD:
"Platinum Dunes' Friday the 13th project. What do you label it? Remake? Re-launch?
After speaking to a source close to the project who wishes to stay outside of the spotlight (for now), we're striking the former term out of future reports on the film.
"It's not a remake," says our insider. Don't even expect an origin tale - as some production listings around Hollywood are pegging it as. Imagine if there was a story to be told somewhere between parts two and four, just add water (from Camp Crystal Lake, duh), insert a leaner, meaner, faster Jason Voorhees, set to "blend" and you've got the recipe for what Dunes, writers Damian Shannon and Mark Swift and director Marcus Nispel got cookin'."
Well there's already something "between parts two and four" and it's called Friday the 13th : Part III and it's in 3-D and it's awesome. Eyeballs a'poppin!
This whole "leaner, meaner, faster" nonsense is giving me Rob Zombie's Halloween inspired shivers, too. Jason's about the quick slice-n-dice, the slow lumbering build-up and the jump scare; he's not about seventeen-minute long torture scenes. Let's hope they remember the spirit of fun inherent to the series - these were never ever meant to be taken at any level of seriousness - and don't make it an ugly mess.
Maybe there's a juicy older camp counselor part for Patty? Or she could always don the mask and overalls! She'd certainly make for a leaner Jason!