You Reap What You D'oh

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Hey did you guys know that Michael Shannon and Samantha Morton starred in an episode of Goosebumps? It was titled The Revenge of Doctor Mom & Nurse Dad (at least until some bozo in Hollyweird decided to re-title it The Harvest) and it was all about what a brain-fuck having Michael Shannon and Samantha Morton as your parents would be. And also marshmallows. Lemme tell you something - you haven't seen marshmallows be threatening until you've seen Michael Shannon handle marshmallows. (Say that ten times fast: Michael Shannon handles marshmallows threateningly, Michael Shannon handles marshmallows threateningly, et cetera.)

I think that RL Stine got the plot of The Revenge of Doctor Mom & Nurse Dad from his time spent working on 7th Heaven (or at least watching it) - they rejected it because they couldn't imagine Stephen Collins making marshmallows threatening. Enter Michael Shannon, stage left, thunderclap. The Revenge of Doctor Mom & Nurse Dad tells the spooky tale of two precocious teenagers, young love, a fateful wheelchair trip through the cornstalks, kidnapped babies, marshmallows, a fight for the Little League pennant, and Samantha Morton drooling in the forest.

Listen, much like Michael Shannon with marshmallows, Samantha Morton, she's a top-tier trooper, you guys. This piece of shit was like a dare she took, I think - can I take a straight-up ham-bone and spin it into a human being? Samantha Morton, she will open up those big beautiful eyes of hers wide, her mouth will quiver or twist; that sly smile you think is kinda shy, kinda coy, kinda sweet, it will ripple into the scariest fucking snarl like lightning across a bubbling midnight-blue sky. Samantha Morton, she will sell you like nobody's business.

But at what price? What price, Samantha Morton??? Amusing-myself-for-shits-and-giggles posturing aside, The Harvest (real title) reads like the back panel on a box of Ben-Gay - this shit is thick and stinky and it's gonna make you feel like an old person. I have my endless aches and pains so thanks but no thanks, movie.

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