Monday, May 19, 2014

Voulez-vous Jake Gyllenhaal

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Oh sure, I've always thought it would be cool to go to Cannes. I'm not crazy. A film lover's paradise! Glamour and spectacle and above all cinema! What's not to lust for? But not until today has my absence felt so painful. Not til today has my absence shaken me to my very core. Today, I weep for what I am missing. Via Vulture:

"Each year at the Cannes Film Festival, Harvey Weinstein shows the press some clips and trailers from his studio's coming film slate, and this time, he came ready to tout movies like The Imitation Game, starring Benedict Cumberbatch, and Tim Burton's Big Eyes, with Amy Adams and Christoph Waltz. The general public will be seeing those trailers soon enough, but there's one bit of footage Weinstein showed today that he likely won't release unless your hashtag campaigns are really on point: a shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal workout video. 

Weinstein had hoped to have Gyllenhaal there in the flesh to discuss his upcoming boxing drama Southpaw, but failing that, he presented Gyllenhaal's actual flesh, dimming the lights for a video meant to convey the actor's intense training regimen. We watched a bearded, ponytailed Gyllenhaal throw punches in the gym, grimace through sit-ups, and engage in countless torso twists meant to strengthen his six-pack. There was even a slo-mo pan up Gyllenhaal's heaving, sweaty, hairy torso. Could this minute-long beefcake clip be Weinstein's spoiler for the Academy Awards? Yes, yes it could be. I'm calling it now: Your Best Picture Winner Will Be Jake Gyllenhaal's Shirtless Workout Video."

(thanks for the heads-up Ultraviolet) I was having a good day. Now everything has turned to ashes in my mouth. If somebody there didn't record this, I quit. I am moving to a shack and growing a beard (hey look Jake shaved his beard off) and eating berries and making up a fake language, until I am eventually re-discovered by Liam Neeson who I will teach my fake language to as well as, through a series of circumstances, teach a little bit about the meaning of life.
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1 comment:

UltraViolet said...

I knew you would want to see that. And by that, I mean the video. Wouldn't we all!

Someone suggested boycotting all of Harvey's prestige pics if they don't release this footage :)