Friday, May 03, 2013

The Lords of Salem in 210 Words or Less

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I swear that Rob Zombie's latest cinematic scourge The Lords of Salem spends approximately forty-five minutes of its run-time floating back and forth down a single apartment hallway. We get to one end and then the camera cuts back and we float down the other end. And back. And forth. The story may wander somewhere else for a few minutes, but before long, it's back to the hallway! Rob Zombie seems to think that the secret to profundity is just to move his camera slower; to hold a shot for a long time. Slap some classical music over it and voila! You're Saying Something. Rob Zombie is mistaken. Rob Zombie has absolutely nothing to say. He seems to think if you pick up your crap-shovel and fling some stinky nonsense around, it gives you carte blanche to tell your critics, "Well you just don't get it." You're right, Rob Zombie. I don't get it. It is a midget with turkey arms. There is nothing to get from a midget with turkey arms. Oh I can get a superficial jolly out of seeing a midget with turkey arms - it's a midget with turkey arms! But sometimes a midget with turkey arms is just a midget with turkey arms.


4 comments:

Roark said...

Whoa, seriously? I'm not nearly as bummed about missing this theater-wise as I was 120 seconds ago.

Uncle Mike said...

I respectfully disagree, sir. I don't think this was meant to be profound, but just creepy and surreal and moody, like an old Italian horror from the 70s. Not everything has to make perfect sense, but some of the images there were indelibly weird. And I like that.

It wasn't completely successful, but I liked most of it. I'd happily see it again. Even with the 800-year-old titties.

Ross said...

I'm with Uncle Mike - I found it very creepy and moody. I suppose it helped that I went in with very low expectations though.

Prospero said...

Once again, I completely agree. This latest crapfest from Zombie tries to hard to be too many things at once, resulting in nothing at all.