Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

The Witches (1990)

Helga: Real witches are very cruel, and they have

a highly developed sense of smell. A real witch

could smell you across the street on a pitch-black night.

Luke: She couldn't smell me. I've just had a shower.

Helga: Oh yes, she could. The cleaner you are,

the more a witch can smell you.

Luke: That doesn't make sense.

Helga: Oh, yes it does. A dirty child, it is

the dirt she smells. A clean child, it is the child.

Luke: Wow. I'll never have a shower again,

and I'll have you for an excuse.

Helga: Well, just not often.

Only once a month is probably safe.

Luke: So a witch could smell me right now?

Helga: To me you smell of raspberries and cream.

But to a witch, you would smell absolutely disgusting.

Luke: What kind of disgusting?

Helga: Like... dog's droppings.

Luke: I don't believe it.

Helga: You don't believe it? What's more, to a witch

you would smell of FRESH dog's droppings.

Roald Dahl would've turned 95 today. He was my favorite author when I was a kid - I'll never forget my third grade teacher reading us The Witches and Matilda and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator... I must've checked them all out of the library after that - James and the Giant Peach, The Twits, The BFG, on and on. He's as much to thank for creating my bizarre sensibilities as anybody, so if you've ever enjoyed anything I've written you should thank him.

It's absolutely crazy how deeply that drawing by Quentin Blake of The Twits eating "worm spaghetti" resonates with me. The Twits was my second favorite (after The Witches, obviously), and I still consider the retributions described therein whenever someone crosses me. One day I will totally be arrested for nailing somebody's furniture to their ceiling!

.