So I went in expecting very little and BOY OH BOY were those expectations met! How can a movie featuring so much of Jake Gyllenhaal's spectacular cleavage feel so downright tedious for nearly every frame? I checked beforehand to see how long the movie was gonna be and it said an hour and fifty-plus minutes, but they obviously lied because the movie I watched was at least, give or take a month, seventeen thousand hours long. Perhaps they used The Illustrious Sands Of Time to trick our clocks. I do not know. I'm just a man, not a viper-saddled sand-assassin from the ancient times of orange yore.I know I'm biased but really, Jake was fine. His accent was fine, even the hair didn't bother me that much, in motion. He wasn't the problem. He'd say some line and smile that smile of his that charms me so and I'd think to myself, "Why is he flashing that smile of his that charms me so," and I'd realize whatever line he'd just spoken was meant to be funny or something and no, no, no, it was not ever funny. It never resembled funny. Funny was standing way over there, across the desert, but it was really just a mirage and we were choking on sand. Unfunny, orange sand. But oh there is his pretty left pec pushing its way out of his low-cut sweater-ensemble, that's distracting for a moment so sure okay I don't entirely mind that...
.
Posts
5 comments:
This movie was simply ugly to look at. The editing was so wonky I could barely tell what was going on. By the time I realized who or what Jakey was swinging his big sword at, the film was ready to move on to the next big fight sequence. I did love how unsubtle the film was about making this an allegory for the Iraq War ("You mean my brother wasn't interested in the alleged weapons at all?"). Jakey wasn't bad, and I will admit I had some very dirty dreams involving him last night, but should he really be slumming it in something as shitty as Prince of Persia?
I can't remember whose quote this is from what review but I kept thinking about it during the entire movie - somebody said that the film looked as if it'd been lit with "an Arby's heat lamp" and it's true! So orange and muddy. And I commented on the editing afterwards - there was this weird clunky repition thing going on where Jake would have the same reaction shot every three or four seconds. It was really weird.
Most importantly, did you see it in 3D???
I don't think it's in 3D anywhere, is it? I think it somehow is the last Summer movie not to be converted, ever, for the rest of time.
Man, I thought it was shot through a camera leftover from the 80s! What was the deal? And what was with that weird blurry slow motion they kept using? I feel like a few directing and editing changes could have made this a much better movie (not great, but much better).
Post a Comment