Hey Hey Hex

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It's all a question of timing and tone! (My timing, my tone, I mean. This thing's timing and tone were disastrous.) But if I'd seen this movie before all the terrible reviews, my tone woulda probably been super harsh. But I saw it after all the terrible reviews so I feel the need to be kinder than it probably deserves.

No bones about it, this thing's a messy boring thing. (Wait, that's me being kinder?) I've never read the comics so I can't say for sure how badly they slaughtered the tone, or how far off the mark anybody's characterizations were. But there was no real tension, no build to the story... things just pretty much sat there, happening one after the next, without ever mustering much drive.

But even under ugly-face I do like watching Josh Brolin (and to be vulgar - who, me? - he was definitely free-balling under that Confederate uniform) and he was fine, meandering through a fatally meandering story. And Megan Fox, having absolutely nothing to play but a cinched waist, still remains consistently watchable. I don't care what you or the world says - I find her a fascinating on-screen presence. (And Melanie Lynskey agrees with me, so there!)

And Michael Fassbender... oh Michael. He gives it a good go. He dances around and flashes his three thousand teeth and does his best to liven up the proceedings. Part of me wishes he hadn't given it so much effort, maybe just gotten wasted and appeared propped up like a corpse like John Malkovich did whenever he was on camera. But Michael's still proving himself, not just collecting a paycheck, so bless him for giving it his all. And he can even make facial tattoos seem sexy, at least for a moment.

As a side-note, Michael Shannon showed up for exactly two seconds. WTF? His name was even in the opening credits, and if I weren't a spazz for him I'd have had no clue that was him whizzing by covered in facial hair. Obviously his part got edited out - obviously half of this movie got edited out, honestly - but still, don't play me like that, movie.

The movie just doesn't work, but it didn't come off like the eyeball-scraping monstrosity people seem to be accusing it of being, either. If I were thirteen I maybe would've liked it. Although that's faint praise indeed - back then I enjoyed the Super Mario Brothers movie, for god's sake. So that's my tagline: If you loved Super Mario Brothers: The Movie, then you'll find Jonah Hex moderately tolerable! Win.
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