Suck It, Stepfather

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If they'd shaved the running time down to be as smooth as Penn Badgley's torso (mmm Penn Badgley's torso) and limited the film to the 15 minutes or so where Penn was running around in just his trunks then this would've been a short I could get behind. As is I was more fascinated by trying to find the crack in the baby's butt that Sela Ward has had her face grafted onto than anything story-wise.

This film just has no purpose for existing. Worse than just being paint-by-number, the film itself seems to assume we know where everything's going so it doesn't even bother trying to get there coherently. Why is Step-dad evil? He gives some brief lip-service to wanting the perfect family and then goes and sharpens a bunch of pencils and lines them up ... diabolically. Why is he sharpening pencils? Does the yellow remind him of the color of school-buses, childhood, piss-stains? Who knows? Better yet, who cares?

I could rant and rave about what coulda been - I haven't been arguing that the relationship between Penn and Dylan's character's should've been gayed up to 11 just because I wanted to see them glaring at each other all sexy-like (although sure I woulda liked seeing that) but I really do think that would've been an interesting place to explore and could've given this film a reason for existing - but the end-product's just so MEH I don't even wanna bother. Meh. MEH!
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