The Greatest Movie...

... to have a beginning middle and end...

... although not really any of those...
... and definitely not in that order...
... ? ...


Crank: High Voltage (2009)

Dude it's all it was supposed to be and more. More! I could just type the word "more" a thousand times in an escalating font-size and that's the only way I'd even come close to getting across the experience of watching this movie. It's like the first one. Only MORE! It's like a headache. Only MORE! I felt pummeled and stupid and very very happy leaving the theater. Like it gave my eyeballs a hand-job.

I still couldn't even tell you what happened now, 12 hours later. There were lots of guns and lots of boobs and then the guns shot the boobs and everyone blew up or burst into flames, Bai Ling wrote her own dialogue and kept her nipples hidden (the craziest thing of all!!!), the end. Oh and I got to see this angle of Jason Statham (link NSFW) which... the best end. Ever. If you were to look "end" up in the dictionary, you ought to see that picture, but you wouldn't, which is why we should throw away all of the dictionaries in the world and just use this movie's script. It's the new Bible. It's our shiny lunchbox and we need it like Whitney Houston. Bow down, you sons of bitches!

ETA My pal Sean just reviewed the film too and and pretty much came up without words like me. There are no words. There are just bruises.

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