Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Greatest Movie...

... in which this happens:

It's been awhile since I've watched a movie that's so bad it stops me dead in my tracks. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is so inept that it goes even an extra mile - it didn't just stop me in my tracks, it suspended the very fabric of reality itself by taking my tracks off the ground and slapping me upside the face with them. It's one of those films that are so bad on every discernible level - acting, writing, filming, editing... hell, I bet the popcorn would've been stale and there would've been gum in your seat if you'd seen this in a theater - that you almost have to give it credit for being so wholly ridiculous as to redfine the word ridiculous.


And I do. I do give it credit. It's fucking amazing. You're rubbernecking at the car-wreck, sure, but time itself just slows down and actually reverses I think... all folds in on itself in this movie's presence. It is the beginning and the end. It is Jesus.

Also, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon taught me the single greatest out-of-nowhere pick-up line I have ever heard or will ever hear in all of my life.


Witness this exchange:

Cataline Stone: [sigh] I'm exhausted.
Ben Carpenter: Yeah, me too. But you know I'm really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?

The fact that that's delivered sexlessly by that huge ol' homo John Barrowman only sweetens the pot (so to speak). According to his website, that line was an ad-lib... well according to me this entire film was ad-libbed. Nobody was in control of this thing.

Love. This movie is love.
.

6 comments:

RJ said...

My favorite part is that it's set in Mexico, but everyone is poorly dubbed in Russian accents, and it was shot in Israel.

Glenn said...

Yes! I've seen that clip before, but never the whole movie. I NEED TO RECTIFY THAT!

Maybe if that guy had steered the jetski instead of throwing up his hands in defence then he would've avoided driving into the shark's mouth. Just maybe...

Stacie Ponder said...

Told you so.

Jason Adams said...

You DID tell me, Stacie, and I owe you a fruitcake or some shit. ;-)

But in opposite news, my boyfriend told me to yell at you for making him sit through Tourist Trap, and I have to admit that one was a bit on the painful side. Although that final shot (which I keep meaning to post) is joy itself, so I'm glad I lasted through the whole thing.

Stacie Ponder said...

You know, I wasn't wild about Tourist Trap the first time I saw it either...like, REALLY not wild. But it grew on me, and now I kinda love it.

Sometimes that happens. Actually, I love it when that happens.

Jason Adams said...

I could see it being that kind of a movie. One that sneaks up on you, eating away at a beloved childhood memory, carving out its own space inside your brain, until all you can see when you close your eyes are mannequin heads with puppet mouths calling your name.