Screw You, Anaconda 3

Thankfully I didn't waste more than 15 minutes of my life on it, but last night I felt the need to scurry away from 60 Minutes as John McCain "opened up" about the "role" that "religion and faith" played in his "life" and, much to my excitement, found SciFi was playing Anaconda 3 starring David Hasselhoff.

Let me just repeat that. Anaconda 3 starring David Hasselhoff. Stew in that sentence for a moment. If that's not the definition of "kill 15 minutes of your life watching" then I do not know what is.

Anyway, I noticed it was the final 15 minutes, and that David Hasselhoff was the bad guy. Hello, undoubtedly here comes a snake-a-riffic death scene, right? Obviously I was all set for something a la Jon Voight's amazing, astonishing, fantabulous fantastic death scene in the original schlockterpiece Anaconda! They'd at least have the wherewithal to rip off that classic and repeat it exactly as was, right? And The Hoff would be be swallowed whole and regurgitated on-screen, where his half-dissolved corpse would wink at the screen? Please? I mean, seeing that happen to a slimy Jon Voight was a treat, but seeing it happen to David Hasselhoff would be like a billion orgasms raining down from the stars like sexual snowflakes, ya know?

But no. I sat there, watched The Hoff "act" for fifteen minutes, and all I got was him punching a girl in the face and then a bomb going off and killing him and the snake. Off-screen. Yes, I just spoiled the end of Anaconda 3. Consider yourself saved. Seriously, Anaconda 3? That's all you got? You cast The Hoff as your villain and you don't regurgitate him? Screw you, Anaconda 3. Screw you right in the ear.
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