Monday, March 03, 2008

That's It!

I'm selling everything I own. I'm moving to a cave in the woods, and I'm never looking upon another humn face for the rest of my life. Via STYD:

"EXCL: Platinum Dunes Eyeing Rosemary's Baby Remake

Ira Levin's 1967 horror novel Rosemary's Baby is going to be born again on the big screen.

Shock was tipped off this weekend, and we were later able to confirm, Platinum Dunes is in talks with Paramount to update Roman Polanski's film starring Mia Farrow, John Cassavetes, Sidney Blackmer and Ruth Gordon. Industry sources tell us the Dunes team - producers Brad Fuller and Andrew Form - are currently looking for a writer (or writers) to tackle the material.

First adapted in '68, Rosemary's Baby concerns a young couple - Guy and Rosemary (Cassavetes and Farrow, respectively) - living in Manhattan. Shortly after settling into their new apartment, Rosemary becomes pregnant and slowly falls very ill. Paranoia and suspicion of witchcraft at work ensues.

Dunes is currently developing new films in the Friday the 13th (location scouting has begun!) and "Nightmare on Elm Street" franchises."

Goodbye. Goodbye forever, world! If you want to find me, be prepared to navigate a field of mines and booby-traps somewhere in the Ozarks. And don't be surprised if I have a necklace of human ears dangling around my neck.

On the serious tip... urgh, I can't! I can't say anything coherent. I am filled with blind rage. I want to mention that, unlike something like The Birds, where Hitchcock took plenty of liberties with the original source material, and where I could see a new version adhering closer to the original book and ending up being something different... unlike that, Ira Levin's book is basically Roman Polanski's screenplay. They are the closest I've ever seen a film and and a book come to being exactly alike. So... what more is there to bring to the Rosemary's Baby property? N-O-T-H-I-N-G. If you change the story, why not call it "Fill in the blank with any other number of Evil Baby movies here."

I know - maybe my wildest dreams can come true and Jessica Alba can play Rosemary!

I am going to be bald tomorrow from all the hair-pulling. Gah! Anger! Anger with nowhere to direct it! I really need to craft a Michael Bay punching bag out of wet toilet paper.
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9 comments:

J.D. said...

No! JA, don't! Remember the good things in life! ... I can't think of any right now, but I know they're there!!!

Anonymous said...

When I started reading this post, my first thought was, Jessica Alba will probably star in this remake. And then I kept reading and realized you had the exact same thought. How could they not cast her in this? After all, we've all seen her do Rosemary in that Latina magazine photo shoot. Incredible work. And that was just a still photo! Imagine the depth she could bring to the film!!! *overuse of exclamation points to indicate extreme sarcasm*

FDot said...

The Ozarks? Surely there are better places to live the life of a survivalist.

If I remember....there was discussion of Rosemary's Baby being remade as a miniseries about 4 years ago. That never happened...so hopefully writers will wise up and refuse to do this. Let them adapt "Son of Rosemary" if they're desperate.

Glenn Dunks said...

Oh jesus christ, wtf?

My mind immediately jumped to that horrendous Alba photoshoot too. If they did cast her I'm sure it'd be a comedy sensation to rival Borat.

Pfangirl said...

Ugh. Out of all the horror remake announcements this one has truly pissed me off the most.

I forsee another flaming turkey like that awful Charlize Theron/Johnny Depp rip-off, The Astronaut's Wife.

Mike said...

As a contrarian:

Plays get revivals all the time. Singers swap cover tunes with each other. What is it about film that gives it this veneer of permanence?

That's not a rhetorical question. I'm struggling with it, too. Like you, I was irritated about this proposed remake. However, I'm also going to a production of Sunday in the Park with George that doesn't star Bernadette Peters and Mandy Patinkin.

Is it that plays, by their nature, are transitory? You can't expect an actor to perform the role of Lady Macbeth for the rest of her life; however, Laura Linney's creepy Lady Macbeth-like turn in that stupid Sean Penn Yells movie gets to survive forever.

John T said...

Just plain awful-though if Alba's in it, maybe it'll be so bad that Hollywood is forced to banish her from any reputable circles (and she'll never present at the Oscars again). Though Pfangirl's casting of Depp & Theron is probably more likely.

SamuraiFrog said...

I was going to try and talk you out of it, but after news like this, what's the point? Must they remake everything that was ever good? Please, let's reinforce the notion of kids that nothing matters before they were born and older movies aren't worth watching.

Hey, did you hear they're also ripping off The Breakfast Club? Only it takes place in an airport with twentysomethings, so it's apparently original. It's being directed by McG's assistant.

JA, I need that noose when you're done with it.

Glenn Dunks said...

Mike, I think it's that with stage there is little room for error. If your play is bad then you're outta there, so when shows get revived they're - usually - done well. Add to that the fact that plays are just there for our consumption whenever we feel like it as movies are. i can go sit down and watch Pleasantville whenever I want to but I can't just pop in Kathleen Turner in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, ya know?

But the problem with a remake of something like Rosemary's Baby is most likely to be aimed directly at teen audiences who like stuff like the When a Stranger Calls remake. They always are.