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Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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Inglourious Basterds (2009)

Leave it to me to celebrate Christmas with the year's most prominent movie Jew. But I figured I'd been promising it for weeks and if I were to find swarthy Eli Roth in his wife-beater under my Christmas tree tomorrow, I'd be having a happy Xmas morning. Hell, break out the Hannakuh candles, then I could get him eight times in a row. If religion were a good way to get laid I'd renounce my atheism at once! I guess you gotta become a priest for that to be true though. Boo yeah! How many blasphemies can I get out in one post anyway? Goddamn. There's one more.

Anyway I love how much of this scene is just a shot-reverse shot stare-down between the two fellows (with a little Brad side-action) in wide to medium shot. Its like a dance, a romance. QT's classic film-making skills showing off again. It's just such an attractive bit of violence. The fetid leaves, the crumbling brick. The way you can almost smell Eli's... muskiness. Mmmhmm. I could, and doubtlessly will, watch it over and over and over again.

Merry whatever, y'all.
And to all a good death scene!

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Previous Ways Not To Die: Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry -- Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head
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The Headless Woman in 150 Words or Less

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Amazing. Just incredible. The ability to conjure up a confusion, a sheer mindless panic, through the way scenes bleed or slide into one another, the way we're given no anchor to settle us from moment to moment. We don't know who is who, where is where, when is when, none of it makes sense, yet who can look away?

I love this bit from this review:

"Take it as a mood piece. The mood is dread"

The dead are in the room with us. They might be the shadow, out of focus, in the corner. They smile, they leave, only the squeak of their sneakers a clue. The car tilts in an off-putting direction - everyone's being run down at once.

A great haunting film. Also, beautiful. Some pics:


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I've Got A Blow-Up Doll And She Looks Like You...

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... little girl.
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Meanwhile, There Are Two Other Movies...

.... coming out that I'd choose to swallow my own tongue

before sitting/suffering through a minute of them:

And I honestly can't tell you which I'd find more painful.

Oh sure, Holmes has Jude Law with that sexy mustache and wearing lots of tweed (tweed fetish alert!), but any good that brings is eradicated one million times over by a smirking Robert Downey Jr. and his funky-cougar haircut. I hate hate hate everything about RDJ right now. There aren't many popular actors right now that I am finding quite so completely insufferable. I've liked him here and there over the years but have never gotten the praise that's been heaped upon his decades of exactly-the-same, playing-himself performances. And the success he's gotten post-Iron Man, a film I found mediocre at best and completely overrated in the end... well it's driven me a bit off the deep-end with my dislike of him, I'm afraid.

I've never been a Guy Ritchie fan and as much as I love her in Mean Girls and even The Notebook I am kinda indifferent to Rachel McAdams. (Don't give me that side-eye.) I mean I find her pleasant when I'm watching her but she's not exactly pulling me towards anything. Especially something with such a black-hole of hatred at its center.

As for the Squeakuel (ugh that godforsaken word)... well at least it has Anna Faris voicing a Chipette. And looking thru the cast-list, there's Amy Poehler and Wendie Malick too. That's really the only stuff I can say in its favor - the trailer is the visual and aural equivalent of homeless foot. But there's nothing in it that makes me as angry as Robert Downey Jr. does these days, so that's something. An only-detectable-thru-a-microscope something... but something.
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Too Many Movies!

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Somehow I'm gonna try to watch all of those movies
over the next twelve days or so. Mmhmm.

This is what I will presumably have to resort to:

And if I can manage, I've gotta try to see these a second time:

Too much! Too much!

What about y'all? What are you gonna try
to see over the next couple weeks?
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Five Frames From ?

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What movie is this?
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Josh Hartnett Eight Times (Then More!)

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Josh Hartnett floated through my mind semi-randomly the other day and I wondered where the hell he'd gotten himself to. I mean, sure, he's not exactly rewriting the guide to screen-acting or anything, but the man is gorgeous, and there are plenty of oft-working actors and actresses skating by on that claim alone, getting up in my business, and I'd like him to be one of those getting up in my business. Yes, please. So I went and looked him up and stumbled upon these pics below from some movie he did in 2008 apparently called I Come with the Rain (nothing suggestive there) in which, if the stills and screen-caps are to be believed, he spends 95% of his time half-naked. Seems promising to me. Onto the queue it goes!

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