"Well I get claustrophobic suckin' strange dick!"

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Now Is The Time When I Start Counting...

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... down until I see Drag Me To Hell again!
Loved it! Awesomeness! Everybody go!

I'll write more on Monday (presumably),
but it really is as much fun as they're saying.
Total ebullient bonkersitude! Love.
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The Final Dispatch From My Clock-Watch

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All This Talk...

... of Drag Me To Hell today (and I do realize that my posting schedule has been even more manic than usual - and that's saying a lot - but it's the only way I'm keeping myself from staring at the seconds tick by on the clock like I'm trapped in a nightmare where time has slowed to nothing and my feet are encased in molasses, so let's just enjoy the cascade of ridiculousness spewing from me as if it's a soothing balm and not a brow-beating rage, mkay?) is leaving all the other films I'm intent on seeing in the dust. Sam Raimi's Triumphant Return To Horror obscures the other gems out there for a trick so tunnel-visioned as I. But there's so much - too much - to see! I really have no idea how I'll find the time (or the money, natch) to get to all of these films over the next couple of days, but I wanna I wanna I wanna, temper tantrum ad nauseum.

Up is a given. Pixar forever.
Julia has my beloved Tilda actressing up a bitch storm!
The Girlfriend Experience is small Soderbergh, my fave kind.
Adoration is Egoyan with Scott Speedman on top!

It's impossible, impossible. Something's gonna give.
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Ryan Reynolds Is Captain Excellent

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And judging by that picture, that does indeed equal him wearing tights (it also kind of looks like he's about to give Jeff Daniels a blow-job, doesn't it?). Hooray!

I hadn't heard anything of this film called Paper Man until seeing that picture today over at Slash/Film, but once "Ryan Reynolds in tights" grabbed my attention the more I read the more excited about the film I became. Besides those two in the pic the film co-stars the lovely Emma Stone and Lisa Kudrow! Double-to-triple hooray! You can read the film' synopsis at Slash/Film.
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Right-Side Up Richard Gere Upside Down

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Further Dispatches From My Clock-Watch

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Bloom V. Dancy

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(My apologies to Claire Danes - I like you just fine, dear,
but you had to be edited out of this picture,
you were coming distracting from the main attraction)

PopWrap is asking us to choose between these two pretty Brits... but I refuse. Of course, if I had to you could just see which one has their own label here at MNPP, but let's not split hairs. Or these two up! Why choose when they're both standing right there, next to each other, right there, close, right next to each other, right there? Why?

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Why Does Jake Need So Many Cucumbers?

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Why would any one person need that many cucumbers at once?

He has like twenty in that bag! Look at this close-up:


That's just weird.
What is he hiding??? (via)
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"You shouldn't have been that sentimental."

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Dispatches From My Clock-Watch...

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It's Time For The Final Daisies

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Well this certainly snuck up on me; I kept meaning to check, but now that I've had the final three episodes of Pushing Daisies in my personal possession for months my laziness got the better of me and I haven't fulfilled my duty to you all by keeping up with the news. A thousand whacks of the bullwhip for me! In the meantime, you should know this though (via):

"The final three episodes of the acclaimed, but canceled ABC drama "Pushing Daisies" will air beginning May 30 for three consecutive weeks. The first of the three episodes will be broadcast on ABC-TV May 30 at 10 PM ET; check local listings.

The episode, entitled "Window Dressed to Kill," is described as such: "Emerson enlists Chuck's help to investigate the murder of a window dresser when Ned declares he's no longer using his 'gift' to solve crimes." The other two episodes are titled "Water and Power" and "Kerplunk."

So set your Tivos and cancel your weekend plans for the next three weeks. You cannot miss this excellence! And don't forget the second and final season of this wonderful amazing show comes out on July 21st!
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Who Wore It Best Scarier?

Dirt-caked demon locks of death in front,

party in the back?
The Raimi Hair-Don't Edition!


Henrietta (Lou Hancock / Ted Raimi) in Evil Dead II
or Valerie Barksdale (Hilary Swank) in The Gift?

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poll by twiigs.com

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Red Letter Horror Day

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Could there be more shit up in my face today? And I mean "shit" as in "cool horror stuff that gives me tingly feelings in my deep down special places" this time. For once. Anyway, we've got Sam Raimi's Triumphant Return To Horror in theaters, we got a poster finally for the next Final Destination movie, and now this via Empire:

"Our Cannes guru ... sat down with Inglourious Basterds star Eli Roth just the other day and managed to get a few tidbits from him about the new films he has coming up: a full-length version of his Grindhouse trailer Thanksgiving, and an entirely new sci-fi film called (we can exclusively reveal) Endangered Species."

Okay it's not a lot, just a title, but hey I'm excitable today so it's doing the job. He goes on to blather some more about how he wants to shoot the sci-fi movie and tack on extra time to make Thanksgiving on the quick-and-cheap like he's been blathering on about for ages, bless his motor-mouthed blathering soul, so check that if you've got the stomach for more of him. I know many of you do not. But I'll love him forever. Or for now. Whatever.

But I do like the fact that his proposed budget (based on the crazy voices in his head) for his big sci-fi movie has gone down from 85 million in April to 60 million now. Keep going at this rate and he'll do it for six pence and a hand-job. In which case, I am this film's producer.
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Jude Three Times

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It's Your Birthday, Danny Elfman

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I'm a little annoyed with Danny Elfman these days because,

1) His music for Terminator Salvation is fresh on my mind and man, it sucked, although everything sucked, but still it might've been made a little less annoying if the familiar theme music from the series had been around just a little more,

and 2) He's kidnapped Bridget Fonda and hidden her away in a tower never to be seen or heard from again,

so wishing him a happy birthday today is taking some effort. But then I think of the following wonder amongst many past wonders and I can forgive him a lot.

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Beetlejuice - Opening Sequence - The top video clips of the week are here
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Today's Fanboy Delusion

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Today Right now I'd rather be...

... watching Drag Me To Hell already!

Argh! I've only been at work for two hours and I am already losing my damn fool mind with impatience. I still have nine hours until I see the movie! I am going to spend the entire time building a time machine out of toothpicks and ketchup packets. Of course, by the time I am done the nine hours will have passed and I will just use the time machine to drive myself uptown to see the movie. But then, it really will have proven itself a time machine because it's construction will have literally made the time disappear! I am a genius! I have solved the riddle of time travel just now! Bow down!

Ugh.
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Looking Good, Bradley Cooper

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I'm still not seeing The Hangover - there are like twelve movies vying for my time right now, dude, and yours ain't nowhere near the top - but I do enjoy seeing an Alias boy get his due. Will Tippin forever! There are more pics from this shoot for Details here, but they've all got a giant damned watermark on them so fuck that shit. I'll keep my eyes peeled for clean versions.
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"Spock Bukkake" Is Such A Mouthful

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Good grief. I'd say he makes it easy,
but I think the point is he's trying to make it easy. (via)
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Finally, Something!

Yay for something! Specifically, it's the poster for... right, it's called The Final Destination now. It's hard keeping it straight. This is the 3D one out in August, and it will probably rock off our collective balls, that is all y'all need to know. (via)

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Sweet Fancy Jesus That Sounds Spectacular

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Cinematic genius Paul Verhoeven has signed up for his next film! Rejoice! And even better, it's about a crazy bitch! Via Slash/Film:

"Paul Verhoeven (Basic Instinct, Total Recall, Starship Troopers) returns stateside to develop and direct The Surrogate for 20th Century Fox.

... Based on the 2004 novel by Kathryn Mackel, the story follows a couple who find out that the young college girl who they hired to carry their baby is insane.

Here is the official description from the book:

“Kyle and Bethany Dolan reel from years of infertility, miscarriages, and finally, a disastrous hysterectomy. They are desperate to find the perfect surrogate mother to carry their last frozen embryo. Sable Lynde, a computer genius with a dark history, is desperate to escape her own inner demons, her dark past, and a dangerous loan shark. Sable assumes the identity of a surrogacy candidate so perfect that the Dolans welcome her into their family without reservation. As the pregnancy progresses, the dangers of Sable’s deception escalate until the unthinkable happens–Sable’s dark demons spill out into the Dolans’ lives–even as she lies in a coma. A thrill-ride of suspense and terror, this novel leads readers to a breathtaking climax. Engaging characters, contemporary issues, and deep questions of faith make this story an unforgettable read.”

Sweet! It's like The Hand That Rocks The Cradle meets... well, meets Paul fuckin' Verhoeven! Sign me up!
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This Building Will Be The Death Of Me

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I just rode in the elevator with Michelle Williams. The doors were closing and then she came bounding in and my heart flew into my throat. She's lovely in person, just very very pretty, with enormous eyes and rosy cheeks and... just lovely. I wandered into my office in a daze; I could've fallen down the elevator shaft and not noticed.
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Happy "Sam Raimi's Triumphant Return To Horror Is Here" Day!

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Now if any of you saw Drag Me To Hell last night or do see it at some point during the day, don't go spoiling anything for me! Not that this seems like a movie that could be ruined by knowing the plot beforehand or anything - it's all about the ride. I mean, the reviews... they're outta sight! But do feel free to leave some love for it in the comments anyway. I'm seeing it tonight after work and I might die from the anticipation, be resurrected as a snot-spewing ghoul, and then have my head and intestines yanked out by the slow grueling tick-tock of the clock. Come to me, my sweet sweet movie!!! I re-watched Evil Dead 2 for approximately the five billionth time last evening to get myself in the mood and am I ever. Must have now! I'll swallah ya soul, I'll swallah ya soul!
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Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971)

I watched this last night and knew immediately that this would be today's Way Not To Die. And I also knew immediately that I'd found my long-looked-for entry in Arbogast On Film's "The One You Might Have Saved" ongoing blogathon, wherein we bloggers choose somebody who gets killed in a movie that we'd have taken the opportunity to rescue if given the chance because they touched us in some way and we didn't like to see them go.

See, Jean-Pierre Marielle's private dick Gianni Arrosiois is a gloriously stereotypical queen of the finest retro-Argento fashion - mincing, unable to keep his hands off of any man in his reach - but the devil bless him for it.


I've always had a soft spot for Argento's queens - they show up often and are always raging stereotypes, but his straight characters are always so fucked up sexually that the queens always seem to come off as happy and well-adjusted, at least comparatively speaking, and for the time that's a pretty big deal.

And for some reason something about Marielle's performance struck me as especially charming, so when he's offed so strangely, and his final words - "I was right... I did it this time." - are a bittersweet (emphasis on the bitter since he just got poisoned junk injected into his nipple) acknowledgment of his long delayed success as a crime-solver (he's figured out who the killer was just before being killed, something he hadn't done in all of his previous cases)... well I felt bad for the dude. So RIP Gianni! I hope you're swishing your way through the afterlife happy to know you went out with one under your belt. So to speak.

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Previous Ways Not To Die: Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry -- Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head
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