Pork Queen!

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What can I say about Sam Raimi's Triumphant Return To Horror that won't reduce me to fanboy hyperbole? If you know me... well then you know all I speak in is fanboy hyperbole so that question is moot. But... well, I've been referring to Drag Me To Hell as Raimi's Triumphant Return To Horror (caps included) for months now, sight unseen, and thankfully, somehow - if y'all read my Terminator Salvation review then you know I am capable of having my high expectations dashed thoroughly and am not a blind slave to them - a bulls-eye so precise it hasn't been seen since that meteor found the sweet spot that wiped out all the dinosaurs was hit and all my happy places got tickled and tingled in just the right amounts. It's exactly what it was supposed to be and exactly what I wanted it to be. It takes a master to do it and a master Raimi be; a master firing on all cylinders, clicking every nook and cranny of time and space into place... have I spun off into crazed fannish hyperbole enough for ya yet?

Let's reel it in. No, this isn't a profound masterwork that will bring world peace upon us. What it is, is a silly, scary roller-coaster ride (TM too numerous the blurb-whores to name) of everything you ever imagined and several things you never imagined pouring out of people's mouths into other's people's mouths, and flames, and possessed goats, and crazy shit. It's the word "awesome" where every letter of the word has little parasitic awesome's feeding off of them, and each smaller parasitic awesome has even smaller awesome amoebas clinging to them, forever on down.

I did a terrific job reeling it in there, huh?

What I'm saying is - go see this movie! I can't imagine myself not going to see it at least a couple more times while I can. It is what the blurb-whore's call "the best time you'll have in a movie theater this year!" See it with a crowd, bring a date, and buy a bag of popcorn just to throw in your own face when you leap up screaming from the flying gunk on-screen. This thing will be giving all the future generations that lay beyond us through the ages boners that hurt because they won't go down.
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