What Argento's Opera Taught Me

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Here are some life lessons I learned watching Dario Argento's Opera last evening. Keep in mind - these are only lessons if you find yourself living inside a Dario Argento movie, in which case... well, basically, you're screwed. Oh, and there are oodles of SPOILERS for the film below, so be warned.

First off, you don't wanna be dating the opera singer heroine. Dating, screwing, friends with... any of that. Betty's our "heroine" here, the ingenue new-star, and here's her friend-with-benefits, Stefano:


You may recognize him as very American actor William McNamara - but if you live in an Argento movie and are American, they will apparently dub your voice with a British accent and name you Stefano. Anyway, Stefano obviously doesn't know a couple of things about living in an Argento movie. Mainly, you've just screwed the heroine?


Check. Now, you don't leave the room!


Stupid! Cuz if you do leave, even for just like two minutes, you will come back to this -


And then , Stefano, if you knew you were in an Argento movie you'd know much better than to just walk up to your now-tied-up girl because the biggest, most important thing to know when in an Argento movie is that the killer's arms don't have to follow any logic of space or time and can appear from directly in front of you, right where you're looking, and stab you in the throat without you having even seen them standing there where you obviously should be able to see them.


Oh that's a shame.

Similarly, always remember that you can't even be the slightest bit friendly with the heroine. Say you're just the wardrobe woman working on the opera she's in - don't be friendly! And seriously, don't go finding strange bits of jewelry that have mysteriously attached themselves to her costumes:


Dumb! Because, seriously, two minutes later heroine-Betty's tied up in a box:


And you're being stabbed in the stomach:


And have the grace not to swallow the gold bracelet you've just found when you're in your death throes, because...


Yeah, the killer wants that thing so, seriously, don't swallow it.

Speaking of the killer, if you find yourself actually being the killer in an Argento movie, always bring two pairs of binoculars to an opera, because it's inevitable that the first pair will be splashed with day-glo blood:


But back to being friendly with the heroine - have I mentioned that she won't be that upset by having just been bound, gagged, having had needles taped beneath her eyes and been forced to watch these people she supposedly cares about be brutally murdered in front of her? After seeing Stefano killed, she runs into the rain, calls the police, bumps into her director and then seems angriest in the following conversation by the implication that she may be the slightest bit trampy:


Not that her lover was just sliced wide open in front of her. Stefano who? She can even manage a smile! Sure, she'll do some immediate post-slashing moping, but she's fine about ten minutes later. Here she is greeting the policeman in her building right after the wardrobe woman's death:


Kinda hard to tell, but she's got a big ol' grin on her face. "Howdy, fella! How's things?" she seems to be thinking, as the blood dries on her eyelids.

And if you're her director -


- You'll of course have used to direct horror films - and it will inevitably come up that A) you want to do the heroine, B) you are currently dating a model, and C) that you have to jerk off before shooting any scenes.


Thanks for sharing, Dario. But back to being friendly with the heroine - and this is very important: if you're her friend, don't go putting your eye up to keyholes left and right, mmkay?


Because, sooner or later, this is what you'll see:


And no good will come of that. Because not only will this inevitable bullet go through your eye-socket, it's a magic bullet that works much like the killer's arm and winds its way through your head, makes a sharp turn downward and to the right, and shoots through the phone sitting on the floor 20 feet away:


But finally, the most important lesson I learned from Dario Argento's Opera is never piss off a pack of ravens. Say they're cawing while you're trying to sing? Don't throw a shoe at them:


Or you'll be hit by a car like a minute later:


And certainly don't go stabbing at them under any circumstances:


Or, uhhhh:


No good can come of it... no good.
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